Quinta-feira, 21 de Junho de 2007

I'm dying because I'm so numb, I don't feel pain, or excitement... I'm not even bitter, I'm just...

I was thinking... For me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore. I was suffering so much all the time. I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life. It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is.
Is that why you're in a relationship with somebody who's... never around?
Yes, obviously, I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship. Yeah, we have, you know, this exciting time together and then he leaves and I miss him, but at least I'm not dying inside. When someone is always around me, I'm like suffocating!
No, wait, you just said that you need to love and be loved...
Yeah, but when I do, it quickly makes me nauseous! It's a disaster... I mean, I'm really happy only when I'm on my own. Even being alone... it's better than... sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely. It's not so easy for me to be a romantic. You start off that way, and, after you've been screwed over a few times... You... you forget about all your delusional ideas, and you just take what comes into your life. That's not even true, I haven't been... screwed over, I've just had too many... bla relationship. They weren't mean, they cared for me, but... they were no real... connection, or excitement. At least, not from my side.
God, I'm sorry, is it...
Is it really that bad? It's not, right? You know... it's not even that, I was... I was fine. Until I read your fucking book! It stirred shit out from you, It reminded me how... genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things and... now it's like... I don't believe in anything that relates to love, I don't feel things for people anymore. In a way... I put all my romanticism into that one night and I was never able to feel all this again. Like... somehow this night took things away from me and... I expressed them to you and you took them with you! It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me! I...
I don't believe that. I don't believe that.
You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It's funny... Every single of my ex-es... they're now married! Man go out with me, we break up, and then they get married! And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is, and... that I taught them to care and respect women!
I think I'm one of those guys.
You know, I want to kill them! Why didn't they ask me to marry them? I would have said "No", but at least they could have asked!!! But it's my fault, I know that it's my fault, because... I never felt it was the right man. Never! But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life? The concept is absurd, the idea that we can only be complete with another person is... EVIL! Right? Can I talk?
You know, I guess I've been heart broken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, form the starts, I make no effort. - Because I know exactly what hap... -
You can't do that. You can't do that, you can't live your life trying to avoid pain, at the expense of en...
 Ok, you know what? Loose our words! I've gotta... I've gotta get away from you... Stop the car, I want to get out!
No, no, no, don't... don't get out... -
You know, it's being around you... -
 Keep talking...
Don't touch me! - You know, I wanna get on a cab... - Monsieur... Monsieur, aretes vous! Non, non, c'est bon, aux faux la! No, no, no, don't, keep going...
No, listen, I'm just so happy... thank you, just keep going...
All right. Look, I'm just so happy, all right... to be with you. I am. I'm so glad you didn’t' forget about me.
No, I didn't... and it pisses me off, ok? You come here to Paris, all romantic, and married. Ok? Screw you!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to get you, or anything.
I mean, all I need is married man! There's been so much water under the bridge, it's... it's not even about you anymore, it's about that time, that moment in time, that is forever gone, I don't know!
You... you say all that, but you didn't even remember having sex. So...
Of course I remember it...
You did?
Yes! Women pretend things like that.
They do?
Yeah, what was I supposed to say? That I remember the wine in the park, and... us looking about the stars fading away as the sun came up! We had sex twice, you idiot!
All right, you know what? I'm just... happy to see you, even if... you've become an angry, maniac depressive activist. I still like you, I still enjoy being around you! And I feel the same. I'm... I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. I just... - I had to let it all out. I... -
 Don't worry about it.
I'm so miserable in my love life, in my relationship, I always act as... Like... you know, I'm detached, but I'm... I'm dying inside. I'm dying because I'm so numb, I don't feel pain, or excitement... I'm not even bitter, I'm just...
You think you're the one dying inside. My life, is twenty-for-seven... MAD. -
I'm sorry... -
No, no, no... I mean, the only happiness I get is when I'm out with my son. I've been to marriage counseling, I've done things I never thought I would have to do, I lit candles, bought self Sunset-help books, lingerie... Did the candles help? Hell, no! All right, I'm in love with the way she needs to be loved, and... I don't even see a future for us. But then I look at... at my little boy, sitting at the table across from me, and I think I would have suffered any torture to be with him for all the minutes of his life. You know, I don't wanna miss out on one. But then, then... there's no joy, or laughter, in my home. You know, and I don't want him growing up in that! Oh, no laughter?
That's terrible, my parents have been together for 35 years and even when they have a bad fight, they end up laughing like crazy...
I just... I don't wanna be one of those people who are... getting divorced at 52, and falling down into tears, admitting that they never really loved their spouse, and they feel that their life has been... sucked up into a vacuum cleaner! You know, I want a great life. I want her to have a great life. She deserves that! All right. But we're just living in a pretense of a marriage responsibility, and all this... just... ideas of how people are suppose to live. Then I... I have this dreams...
What dreams?
I have this dreams, you know, that... I'm standing on a platform, and... you keep going by on a train, and... you go by, and you go by, and you go by, and I wake up with the fucking sweats, you know? And then I have this other dream, oh... where you're... pregnant, in bed, beside me, naked, and I want so badly to touch you, but you tell me not to, and then you look away. And... and I... I... I touch you anyway, right on your ankle, and your skin is so soft, and I wake up in sobs, all right? And my wife is sitting there, looking at me, and I feel like I'm a million miles from her and I know that there's something... ... wrong! You know, that I ca... that I can't keep living like this, that there's gotta be something more to love than commitment... But then I think that... I might have given up... on the whole idea of romantic love. That I... I might have put it to bed, that... that day when you weren't there. You know, I think I might have done that.
 Why are you telling me all this?
I'm sorry. I don't know, I'm... I... I should... I... I shouldn't have. You know, it's so weird... people think they are the only one going through tough times.
I mean, when I read the article, I thought... your life was perfect. A wife, a kid, a published author! Your personal life was more of a mess than mine...! I'm sorry!
Well... I'm glad it's... good for something.
Oh, monsieur, c'est la! Rentre dans la place la.
publicado por cloudberry às 13:51

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